Emotions

My life as I have always known it, is about to end. I wish I could keep on living knowing that everything must come to an end, and that it’s much better to make the most of it, rather than crying and regretting things that will eventually end up the same anyway. I’m ashamed of myself, not being able to do anything, I’m overwhelmed by sadness and desperation and anger and hopelessness, and yet, what’s the use?

I spent yesterday crying my eyeballs out. I couldn’t stop, I didn’t know how to. Never in my life I would imagine this would happen. When I looked back at everything, what’s the point? What’s the point of staying fit and healthy, what’s the point of going through all the miseries and pain, when it all will come down to this.What’s the fucking point?

I wasn’t ready, but circumstances gave me mo choice. After all the painful process, I realized that I have no faith left. I am simply, too exhausted to believe. I watched him bowing his head and praying every night, I watched him retracing every steps, every words, every prayer that are known to human, and what? What does he get? More pain? More suffering?

Today I woke up feeling just as bad. I got all sorts of encouraging words from friends and people around me, telling me to be strong and I’m very thankful for them. But this is something I need to do on my own. I need, to be able to live with myself. I need, to come to a peace, to accept, to surrender.

It’s weird, because when I started thinking about it, I would burst into tears and even when I was talking to my teacher, asking for a leave this Saturday, I could feel my eyes welling up and I had to bit my lips to control myself. I am so ashamed for being this weak, yet I don’t know how I could be otherwise. I followed the lesson with zero interest, sinking deep in my seat, hoping that if I did just that, eventually I would be invisible to the world, and I would be able to not care about what everyone else thought of me. A friend of mine who sat beside me patted and stroked my back, and it made me want to cry more.

I didn’t feel better after sitting alone by the pool yesterday, and I thought the night air would be able to calm me down, but it didn’t. Yet, this afternoon, just out of nowhere, during the middle of the class, without anything spectacular happening, I suddenly felt….okay. I don’t know, I just felt better, somehow. As I was walking back home this evening, I was overwhelmed by, not the ‘come-what-may’ philosophy, but rather, with the realization, that no matter how much tears I cried, no matter how miserable I was, and no matter how much I felt sorry for myself, there is absolutely nothing I could do. And instead of making me feel helpless like I have always felt, that exact time I just saw everything in different light. I don’t know, maybe this is just a temporary light bulb moment and everything will turn back to shits tomorrow, but for now, I feel okay. Not good, but just okay.

I suddenly believe in myself, no, I believe in my dad, and my sisters, that no matter what happened, we will be able to survive it, that we will stick together and we will make her happy. I realize, that things are so bleak at the moment and I couldn’t imagine how my life would turn out. I really don’t know. But it’s comforting to know, that I’m not alone in this. And as I finished booking my flight, paying all my bills, returning all borrowed books, and getting out my briefcase from the storage room, I’m determined,..to make the most of it. I’m beyond, surrendering. And I want to come home feeling that this is what I’m supposed to do, that I will stay by my family, and that this is right, despite all the uncertainties and bleakness ahead.

I’ve mailed my lecturer, I’ve asked for leave, what more can I do? At the end of the day, we don’t know when our time will be, and I have never considered about that possibility before, I should’ve learnt my lesson with grandma, but that time I was so busy with my life and I left all of that behind. I was wrong.

A special someone said yesterday that this is not about me.He told me not to be busy being mad and sad. Because what’s more important is letting her have every possible happiness she could get. That I should focus more on her, not myself, not crying, and certainly not by being angry.

But I deserve to be sad. I deserve to cry. And I know that, but he’s also right. RIght now, although I couldn’t be further from being happy, I am…okay. I..don’t know what else I could be but be okay. At the end of of the day, I’m just…tired. And I wish there’s more I could do.

There is, which is to stand by her.

I will be gone, and I don’t know for how long yet. The truth is, I’m scared to know. But just wish for the best and I hope I can be strong. I will try posting again before I leave this weekend, and I don’t know how much I can write once I’m back home, but I’ll try anyway.

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Hatred

I’m done. After everything that we’ve gone through, apparently there’s still more shits to come. And I’m feeling really, really angry. And sad. And frustrated. And confused.

OH MY GOD SURELY YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH PLEASURE WATCHING PEOPLE MISERABLE???!!!??!! WHY DON’T YOU JUST CUT ALL THE FUCKING SHITS?????!!! GIVE US TIME TO BREATHE AND BE HAPPY, FOR THE FUCK’S SAKE!!!!!! THERE ARE RAPISTS, MURDERERS, STALKERS, WHATEVER ELSE PEOPLE OUT THERE YOU COULD ENTERTAIN!!!

I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH THIS.

You know what, for her sake I will smile and if there’s a mention of religious things whatsoever I would nod, BUT ONLY FOR HER SAKE because I’m so fucking mad I don’t care anymore.

Everyone, please hope for the best for my family.

Morning Has Broken

So, 6 am really exists.

I’m quite proud of myself to discover this new-found glory. The air was cool, the sun hasn’t shone, the streets were empty, the security guard asked, “Okay?”

Huh?????

Really! He said that! What, now even the damn security guard knew that I’m not used to wake up at this hour?! That is almost an insult!

It’s 8 now and I’m off to school, people! Oh, I was out earlier (hence, the odd security-guard-conversation?) to buy today’s paper. Gasp! Wow! Magic! What? What? What? Is John Cusack visiting Singapore?! What the? Buying the paper? Don’t act so chic!

Mind you, buying newspaper is a perfectly normal behavior.

Yes, but YOU are not like normal people.

Ah, sod it. Fine, I admit, the paper is just part of my class’ assignment. But I’m still offended, nevertheless!

End’s Note: Did I just have a conversation with myself???????

Yes. No wonder you drink.

Catching Up. Nothing Much.

Yesterday met up with Irene! She’s such a sweet girl! We haven’t met for a while, the last time being when she incidentally bumped into me, literally, bumped into my body at Watson! So imagine this, I was browsing around for..I don’t know, let’s say, for acne-foam (this doesn’t mean that I have acnes at all!) and there were voices behind me I tried to ignore, and suddenly bump! I felt like a jelly, my excessive fats were everywhere and so I was quite ready to scold the girl for letting the world see my shame! I looked back and bump!
Oh, wrong word. Sorry, let’s do it again.

I looked back and gasp!!!!

It was Irene!

So I screamed, and she screamed. And we both literally humiliated ourselves, and she blamed me for screaming up first, and I blamed her for bumping into me and my fats, and she blamed her boyfriend for distracting her, and her boyfriend just….ran away.

Like, really, he ran away. Dissapeared. Fleed the scene. Gone with the wind.

What the….????!!!!

I swear I didn’t wear anything remotely scary that day! Was it my face…??! Oh goodie!

So anyway! That was some months back and yesterday we just caught up, had dinner and talked a lot. She ended up going to my place until almost 11. Good time. It was always nice meeting up with an old friend and sharing new things about each other just like old times.

She was once my biggest buddy

Class today is still boring, and it didn’t help at all that it has been raining all day so the air was cool and perfect for nap. Tomorrow I have class at nine freaking am!!!!!!!!!!!

Not much interesting happening lately so can’t write much. My so-called-power of imagination is under construction so I can’t even ramble and make things up to say! Consider this is a christmas present. TIl next time!

Silence…Not.

I think I’m lacking motivation. Surely a girl my age is supposed to be…I don’t know, energetic, enthuasiastic, full-of-life, grab every guy, oops, I mean, opportunity, passionate and eager?? Am I even among one of those things? Now, let me paint a picture, from tomorrow I’ll be busy with classes and probably homeworks(oh let’s pray together there won’t be any!) and I haven’t even touched my advertising project? It’s not like I don’t want to begin, but it requires background information on the company which I don’t have any yet! And I know, I know, you probably would say, “so move your lazy ass down there and ask the manager himself!” And yes, I intended to do so, but I can’t just come there and start bugging for sales history, can I? They probably will kick me out of the building, and police may even be involved. Okay, not police, just security guards, perhaps. (I’m dramatic if not anything.) I’ve mailed them but so far they only replied ‘give me more details’, and whoa, I’ve explained on and on and on with so much eagerness and exhilaration, feeling suddenly like the new heir of JK Rowling if you can imagine, resulted in one crazy long email nobody should have been exposed to (I just know that now), and suddenly nothing. No words from them again. Ooookay, now this is awkward. What does the silence mean?! Now, what am I supposed to do? I don’t know! You tell me!

It’s like, if you agree or disagree with it, let me know! Nothing’s worse than a complete silence! It’s like when I came down for the interview weeks back and then suddenly nothing? I’m not a body-language or mind reader, so how am I supposed to know if the manager is not just seriously ill so every major life-and-death-decision (yes! Like hiring an intern!) should be postponed! You know what I mean?

And I mentioned before about how I haven’t heard a word from him? Up until yesterday I got seriously super worried and I sent him a non-stop rambling mail about the possibility of him being abducted by an alien or just simply being lured away by hookers. But apparently this fact was just really amusing for him because he still could JOKE about this while I was up to my neck feeling worried and finding myself check every car accidents that happened among the area. And his reply was,

“I havent time for a full reply, this in no way means im a dead, being probed by aliens, runing off with a voluptous beauty,arrested for bank robery, gained a dislike for you, injuried in a car crash, shot by a dirty brit, flown to another country, visiting mars, lost in the woods, or angry at you…..it simply means i am up to my neck in work!”
(sickeningly mushy parts were purposely removed by the author to avoid complaints of sudden nausea, disgust, vomiting, repulsion and gastric problems)

YES! BUT HOW IN THE NAME OF JUPITER COULD I KNOW ABOUT ALL THOSE THINGS?! Now, if you don’t know me at all, you may think I’m seriously sick, that my imagination is inhumanly unreal (although I can vouch in that I’m definitely not sick, I do have a strong power of imagination…sometimes), but really, I didn’t think I was overreacting at all! I did not, did I?

What I’m saying is, silence is bad! Who came up with ‘silence is golden’, anyway? Uh-huh, maybe! If you’re playing chess! But otherwise, speak??

This sucks, suddenly, really really suddenly I got hit by an emotional wave of nostalgia. If I’m not mistaken, I gave the silence treatment to people too, and most recently, to the ex??!!! Now I feel like such a hypocrite. So why did I talk about this again?

Hey, hey, I totally understand now! Surely the manager of the company is too busy to inform all the potentials that they were not accepted! Surely he has a lot on his mind already! Like, how not to lose a million-dollars contract with company XYZ! And hey, baby, I understand that you’re really busy at work, I’m sure if you have time you would’ve called!

And…so, of course, I too, did have a perfectly good reason for giving E the silent treatment?? I must have, right? Yeah? Yeah? *trying helplessly to justify my action*

How do the topic of assignments get to this?! (this is how my mind works, jumping from one point to another. You wouldn’t wanna know.)

Update on The Interview

So I’m home! I survived the slow and painful process of self-humiliation! I think I’m a trooper! (ignore me, I’m a drama queen)

Anyway just to keep you an update, turned out the interview I just attended wasn’t for a permanent job, it’s for a four-days aesthetic medicine conference and exhibition. Trust me, they don’t need me for my brain on this, otherwise they would have kicked me out after seeing my blank look upon the word ‘aesthetic’. I know, I’m a woman of a few words, I believe in simplicity! But they pay good and I see their sheer desperation of men-power so who am I to say ‘no’? (I’m totally kidding. The only one who’s desperate is me. A few more days from now and I seriously will be needing money for food and bus fare.)

On the other hand, I’m totally lost if we started talking about my journalism-job hunting. This *pointing at my brain* is all I’ve got, not this! *my flabby arms indicating muscles and brawn* But at least this seminar opportunity will earn me money, and I won’t have to resort to washing people’s shoes or stripping through the webcam.

I met and talked to a nice indian girl while waiting for the interview, she’s 22 and already married! I suddenly feel so down, c’mon, I haven’t even graduated yet! Now my biological clock is already ticking?!! But she assured me, I guess upon seeing my worried look and my sudden attempt to grab any men in sight out of sheer frustration, that it’s very normal in her culture to be married in such a young age. *I thought it was during prehistoric ancient time?!!!* I continued to act normal after that, but my eyes somehow kept drifting to the clock, gosh. She was wearing sari and she was really sweet, but in the end she didn’t want the job because I think she was looking for a permanent position. *turns out she wasn’t nearly as desperate as me*

Anyway, when I walked home, I saw this auntie while trying to cross the street. The light was still red so we stood there waiting. The auntie was holding an umbrella and apparently, started swearing and sweating badly. She kept punching the crossing button, like press! press! press! press! press! press! press! press! press! press! like a madman and muttering ‘aiyyyyooo!!!!!’ as if the machine was some kind of joke and the world was just trying to prank her. Aiyoooo auntie, the light wouldn’t turn green even if you smack your head on that freaking button! I was tempted to come up to her and say ‘auntie, have you ever heard about an anger management program??’

Another sucky thing happened. No, correction, I mean, I just realized another sucky thing. I thought my next remodule was next week! So at least I still got this weekend to play and get drunk again! And probably find a man to marry! (yes, a man has to be drunk to consider marrying me, I am that bad) But apparently it’s on next thursday!!!! Like, the day after tomorrow!!! I will have classes everyday all the way til the 25th, then a few days break (which is when the medicine exhibition’s taking place so I don’t see any beach-outings or acting pretty happening anytime soon), and then tutorial and classes again!

AND DON’T GET ME STARTED ON ASSIGNMENTS! *pure hysterria* Okay, okay, I’m going to do it now! As in, right this moment! Serious! Focus! Concentrate! Really, I’m making it now. Here, I’m really, really doing this. See, cursor’s moving. To microsoft word. Totally. I’m totally getting this done.

Tuesday Morning

This is 10.30 in the morning and I just can’t go back to sleep. Maybe cos I don’t want to oversleep my interview? My going-to-be-a-disaster-interview? I can smell it from here, people! Anyway just a short post to describe how I feel waking up today, I feel crap. Why, you ask? Well, let’s see, there’s only one reason I can think of. I haven’t heard a single word from him. Now, okay, he might just be really busy, super busy, in fact, that he probably would rather spend his remaining free hour by sleeping and fantasizing over FHM women. So maybe I’m just blowing this out of proportion.

But really? How busy can someone be? Okay, I’m definitely not a good person to be asked this, since I live such a leisure-free-relax-life, or so some people say. So I’m asking you!

I really shouldn’t be worrying about this, I have a resume to print out, an outfit to think of, oh in fact, I have myself to be soon-be-humiliated for! Wish me luck, people!

Bad Day(s)

What is wrong with today, man? More like, today and yesterday?! I’m not just having a bad day, this is too much, okay! So here are some reasons why. By the time this entry is done, you’ll be feeling sorry for me. Oh gosh, hope not. Or that will just confirm my patheticness and failure at this world.

1. Two days ago I was at babe’s place til midnight, and since it was Saturday I didn’t bother to go home earlier cos I thought there would have been Night Rider anyway. So I stayed, oblivious. At nearly midnight I finally left and as I walked to the bus stop, I saw my bus passing, and if I were almost close to the stop I would have ran and caught the bus, even if that meant yelling frantically “stop! stop! wait for me!” to the driver and getting weird glances from people, but I would have done that, okay! But there was still good distance to the stop so I didn’t run. More like, I didn’t bother to run.

When I got to the stop I checked the bus’ timings and it stated there, in clear black and white, that the last bus was at 23.54. And it was 23.56. THE FREAKING BUS WHICH PASSED ME WAS APPARENTLY THE LAST BUS! And I was wrong about the Night Rider too cos there were none in that stop! And there I was, right in the middle of nowhere..(okay, not middle of nowhere, but far enough from my place!) with no bus and with only little money left. Well, it’s not like I had any other choice, didn’t I? So I flagged the taxi and it bloody cost me twelve freaking bucks! I felt so forced giving the money to the driver. I could easily get on the bus and only paid like two dollars!

2. I had to go to Clarke Quay yesterday to meet a friend, and I initially thought I would just take a cab cos I was wearing heels and my outfit didn’t necessarily scream ‘I want to get squished inside the train’. But then I remembered the incident the night before and I immediately felt guilty. Again, what choice did I have? It probably was the biggest mistake cos the weather was so hot and I sweated easily already as it is, so the heat affected me even worse, and even I didn’t want to see myself getting sweaty! Imagine the horror of the people around me!

What worse (yes, there is a worse) was there’s a disgusting guy who wore black sunglasses and acted as if he’s very chic suddenly came up to me, grinned his slick-eery smile and asked where I was going. Ick. Talk about degradation.

3. See previous post. That would explain…a lot.

4. The meeting with my friend was a disaster. It really, was a disaster. It probably was my first bad evening out! Which was an unfortunate cos the place was already nice! We settled at Tapas Tree.

I believe one time my friend even said ‘you’re fucking rich’ as if that’s bad thing or means I have a fucking herpes or something. And he also thought the place was fucking posh. It wasn’t, okay! Long story short, it was a disaster. I believe I’ve used that term but I feel like using it again to emphasize the fact that it was really a freaking disaster! It was painful to even relive!

I have a feeling he even thought my lychee martini was freaking posh! That’s just retarded.

5. Okay, the most recent one. I feel so foolish telling this, but what would you do when you have a job interview and you have no idea what the position you’re applying for!?!!! Great! Just great! See, someone called me this morning and arranged for interview tomorrow, gave me the address and time etc etc, but one thing was I don’t even remember applying for job in that company! It’s a medical company so I think I would remember if I did send in my resume and everything, okay! So I checked the internet and saw my sent-items on my mails and there was nothing on that company! And so I have no idea what I’m supposed to do! I don’t know which position I will be interviewed for!!!! Surely you ask I don’t need to know that?! But I do! On my last interview I was asked that! And I’ve sent email to ask but no reply and it’s late here and my interview is tomorrow and so I’m toast.

6. I think my so-called-boyfriend is mad at me.

So that about sums it up. These days suck! And I haven’t even accounted my two big assignments which I haven’t started and I’m getting super worried cos next week I’m having remodule so I’ll be really busy and when will I get the time to work on those projects?!!

I know, your look says it all. “You’re in trouble, girl.”

The Ex-Factor

There’s a reason why it’s called ex. If you look at the dictionary, ex means after the fact, and its synonyms can be varied from done afterward, late, subsequent, to postliminary. But they all mean the same, they are all in the past. It’s after, it’s post! It shouldn’t be wandering around in the street and messing your present, should it?

When I imagine myself seeing him again,…wait, I never imagined seeing him again, because I don’t want to, and there will be no meeting, not now, not tomorrow, try, not ever! Everything should be just left buried in the past! In the past, okay! That is why he’s an ex! Ex-whatever.

But one scenario I would never have pictured in my mind, was meeting him in the fucking train station! Yes, I bumped into him in the fucking train station! Somebody please shoot me!

If only! If only I saw him first! If only I caught him on the corner of my eyes! If only I…I…! I WOULD HAVE HID! I WOULD HAVE RAN! I would have…done something, anything! Yes, I was that much of a coward.

Was it some kind of joke that I was in the elevator on this side, and he was in the elevator on the opposite side, and we got to the ground at the same time?!!!! I looked at him and he looked at me, and there was no escape! No fire stairs! No trees or bodies I could hide myself behind! Not even a freaking wall! There was nothing between us, just vast empty area mocking me!

And so I smiled. And so I came up to him and we hugged. And so we muttered ‘how are you’ and so we walked out together. And so he asked the most dreaded questions, “Do you still even have my number in your phone? Why didn’t you ever call me? If I texted you, would you have replied?” Yes, OF COURSE he had to ask those questions. And up until that second, I WAS PRETTY MUCH READY TO FORGET EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WITH HIM! I HAD A PEACE WITH MYSELF NOT TO FEEL GUILTY, TO THINK THAT HE WAS OUT SOMEWHERE, HAVING A NICE LIFE AND FORGETTING ME, I WAS REALLY REALLY READY TO CLOSE THAT CHAPTER AND OF COURSE, NOW I HAD TO BE BOMBARDED BY THE PAST ALL OVER AGAIN. AND OF COURSE I HAD TO GIVE HIM ANSWERS, I HAD TO EXPLAIN MYSELF WHY I DID WHAT I DID, AND WHY I WASN’T BEING FAIR TO HIM.

See what I’m saying before? He is the past, and past means past! Behind! Forgotten! Time to move on! The past shouldn’t be asking questions to you in present! The past shouldn’t smile at you, hug you and ask you to catch up! No, it shouldn’t!

I thought I will never see him again, and tada! Singapore has be too small for two awkward individuals! They just had to meet, didn’t they?! There just aren’t any space left, are there?!

Long story short, we talked. No, more like, he asked, and I looked at him hopelessly. Distracting him and asking him unimportant questions (where do you stay now? Oh, where are you going now? How are you getting along in Singapore? Do you still bring maps anywhere? How’s work?) You know, just to divert his attention from the dreaded topic! But by the time we got out from the station, I couldn’t think of any other craps to say, so then he asked.

And I think I did pretty well, gracefully, at least! I don’t know! What did I say to him?! I couldn’t remember! I remember him saying ‘as long as you’re not married and having kids, and as long as I’m not married and having kids, why should you feel bad about it?’ or something like that. THIS ISN’T JUST ABOUT ME BEING SINGLE AND YOU BEING SINGLE SO LET’S JUST HOOK UP AND HOLD HANDS!

Finally, we departed, and he said we should catch up sometime, and soon after, he sent me a text message and right there and then I knew. That he’s slowly becoming a present again. And I’m not sure I like that very much.

I know, I know, he can’t make me do things I don’t want to do, and so if I don’t wanna meet him again, then don’t. Easy, right? Well technically it is, but sometimes I’m way too nice for things like this! And that is why everything was slowly getting better cos I’ve managed to forget about why I left him and I didn’t really think much about feeling guilty or bad anymore. But now that he’s here I don’t know if I can do that again. Now I feel like I owe him something. And I don’t want to feel like that!

It’s funny because just a few days ago, babe and I talked about this and she even speculated that maybe he’s not even in Singapore anymore. Yeah, so much for that hope! Oh, he is still in Singapore, alive and kicking. Looking exactly the same. The accent was still the same. I used to love that accent, and now I just feel nothing. I felt a pang of relief that at least I was looking good yesterday! I mean, I wasn’t wearing shorts and slipper or whatever. At least.

He said, “When I imagine meeting you again, I wouldn’t be wearing this. I would be wearing something nice..”, truth is, he was wearing a shirt, okay! With collars! How nice can a shirt be?!

Today he hasn’t texted me, will it be too much to ask, too much of an impossible expectation, that he may not look for me again?!!! That he, too, decided everything should just be left behind?

Lost. And I Wish I Care.

When I looked back at how I was last year, I don’t think I would see this coming. Somehow life just doesn’t seem to go according to plan, somehow shits just managed to happen no matter how hard we tried to prevent it. And it sucks. It sucks that all this things are beyond your control and there’s just so much you can do. Even if I get to fly to the moon and back, it still wouldn’t make a difference. And I hate myself for losing faith, I’ve always been proud to be someone who believes, but I feel myself slowly dissolve, fade away. And I can’t stop it, it’s just the way it is. I get angry, and I have noone to blame but my own faith. Because what, it says that if you wish hard enough, somehow you’ll get what you want? And I think back at how much, how hard we all have wished, but what’s the use? It didn’t make a damn difference. And when you’re slowly evaporating, the less and less you care.

I know, it’s not something I’m quite proud of, but that’s just it. I can’t be bothered anymore. Why pretend and fool yourself, always wishing but ends up getting dissapointed over and over again?

And a friend said, “You have to be patient. It’s an unfortunate incident. Everything will be okay.” I’m sorry, but you just don’t get it. You’re trying to console me, but that just pisses me off more. Unfortunate incident, you say? Unfortunate incident happens once or twice, but this? More like epidemic! And we’re just tired, see. We’re fucking exhausted. What, to keep wishing? Maybe wishing-and-getting-what-you-want only happens in fantasy. Either way, I don’t care.

That’s the thing about future, you’ll never know. Last year I wouldn’t have thought this would still be happening. But then again, maybe last year we’ve all been too preoccupied by other shits at hand as well. If you asked me last year how I imagined my future, I would probably have answered, “Well, I’ll be having a great job I enjoy so much doing, my good friends will all still be there, and my big extended families will see me getting hitched.” Oh well, or something like that. But see, maybe I was just being naive. Because so many things have happened and there’s just no perfect endings anymore. Good, maybe, but not perfect. And I’ve already seen it! I don’t have to be in the future, I don’t have to be in the position where you can look at what you’ve got at the moment, and things in the past, and say ‘so these are the things that are missing..’ or ‘this is not quite what I had imagined’ or even ‘you know, I used to have this, but now I don’t..’ I don’t need to be in the future to analyze what I’m missing, because I can tell you that right now! I don’t have to be there, calculating the goods and bads, hoping something would be different or having things to regret because even now, I know. I know already that future isn’t what I’ve always pictured. And probably that serves as a good kick, reminding me to be realistic, to not live in fantasy. Maybe.

It’s not that I won’t care about how my life will be like anymore. And I will keep hoping in the back of my mind, that at least, a near-perfect ending is still possible. But at the same time, it prepares me, to see things I didn’t see before, facts that I have never accounted for. Grandma’s passing is one of them. It’s something I never thought possible, or reckoned, and it will be something I will always regret.

I’m not looking for sympathy, or those sad looks that said ‘you poor little thing’. I feel that I need to write this, because if I said this to anyone, I will get that look. And I don’t want to tell anyone else that I’m losing faith only to get ‘don’t say like that. You will get a sign, you will believe again.’ And that look. Because they don’t understand, they think I’m a lost little sheep and that all I need is a direction to get me back home, and maybe yes, maybe I am lost and maybe I just need something to make me believe again. The thing is, I’m not sure what that something is. I find it easier to be angry and to take every blow as if life just sucks sometimes and that I have no control over the shits that happened, than to keep wishing and wishing and the results would have still be the same.

I’m sorry, if I knew that if I give charity to beggars, my unfortunate incidents would stop, or even, just happening slower, you bet I would do it every single month for as long as it takes. If I have to forgive all mistakes people have made on me just to make everything better, I will. I really will. But no, right? No matter how much we’ve tried, in the end it just seems useless. And that makes me lose it. I really don’t believe anymore. And even I know it’s sad. I don’t want me to not believe, but it’s just the way it is.

Maybe I’ve seen this all wrong, maybe I’m just stupid and bitter and negative. Maybe there is an explanation, maybe my perspective is crappy, maybe if you were me, you could still make it good somehow, maybe you will even believe more, maybe you will say that there are still other people less fortunate and that you are still lucky and whatever. I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’m right or wrong, because I’m too tired to figure that out. All I know is this is how I feel and if I’m wrong then let it be.