Again.

I’m suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of deja-vu. Haven’t I been here before?

I may be just incapable of really being with someone. I have instant crushes and seasonal intensity, but they never last. I get hurt everytime, but I plunge myself into the exact same situation again and again, and now I can’t help wondering whether I cared at all. The whole temporary thing? I always say it’s unfortunate and unfair, but perhaps there’s the twisted attraction. It’s disturbing to look at it from that way, isn’t it?

Of course, because I just can’t handle the day-to-day-relationship.

I had long distance before, and I convinced myself I wouldn’t want to be in that situation again, because it’s hard enough without the separation as it is. A few months later, I went to the States and I met someone whom I really liked. Then, I had to come back home and could only keep in touch with this person through skype calls, text messages and internet chats. After that, during a night out around three months ago, I got to know someone who reminded me so much of this guy from the States; same taste of movies and jokes, geekiness and just the ability to completely engage me in conversations. We became really good friends and it’s the closest I’ve been to anyone on daily basis without the drama of going back and fourth, once-a-month-trip just to be able to see each other, or anything of that sort. It has been completely normal, comforting and fun. He is here, but only until next month. I mean, realize the irony in all this?

Somehow this happens again. Is it just a purely mean but random coincidence? I’m starting to think that I am the problem.

“Oh, you live here? Boring. You’re here temporarily? Okay, I like you.” You’ve got to be nuts.

Anyway, I’m not even complaining about this or dwelling about what has happened. It never actually bothered me before, I don’t really think of it that way. I guess, what I’m feeling is that it sucks badly that I have to lose another good friend, that yet another person has to go away. We’ll still be friends, I mean, of course we are. But that’s as far as it’s ever going to get, because there’s not even a chance for it to be anything else, you know? Not saying that I want to, but just like, theoratically speaking.

We’re bummed out, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Maybe I am that strange or maybe it’s just a random thing, either way it still sucks. I feel like I’m back to the same spot as I was last year. In the airport everytime I had to say goodbye to the ex, in that room in San Fran when the States guy left. I’m sort of having these similar emotions.

And I don’t like it at all.

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New things this week

1. I started twittering. Well, I’ve actually joined Twitter eons ago, but never really updated it since. In fact, my first entry there was in July last year when I wrote, “talking to my wonderful boyfriend, convincing him that Jason Mraz is cooler than ice cubes.” Whoa, memorable enough? Anyway, if you do have twitter, please add me up, I wanna follow you! User’s name is xteena21. I have to warn you though, that..[see next point.]

2. My life is not exactly exciting at the moment. (Yes, this deserves an entire number in itself. I can’t even elaborate. Sad!)

3. I promise, though, that I won’t just be writing ‘I’m washing my hair’, ‘I’m having chicken rice for dinner’, ‘I’m peeing, be back in five’ or anything of that sort in Twitter.

4. I made appointment for hair coloring today, and I was informed that the next available slot is on May 4th! What the, son of a biscuit! Who knew hair coloring is such a high demand? It’s like, lining up for boob-job or something. At least with that I wouldn’t be surprised.

5. One of my dearest friend is leaving Singapore for good, well, it’s time for him to head back and make his country proud. How patriotic. That sucks though, because that means losing another good friend. I hate goodbyes.

6. I’ve watched excessive House lately, the whole first season in two days!

7. I wrote a long post on my thoughts on American Idol, because I love this season, but ended up deleting it ‘cos it was too dorky, and nobody would even care about my love for Danny Gokey simply because of his uber cute glasses.

8.

When we met up in town. Hong’s got a new haircut and it’s funny ‘cos we had the whole yellow-black thing going on accidentally enough.

9.

Blowing off some steam at Atticca and Zouk. It was such a fun night, we met other bunch of friends and danced our socks off.

10. I’m in love with the new apartment! I make excuse to go there eventhough there’s nothing in it yet! Can’t wait to see once it’s furnished.

And then there’s the great dinner at Dempsey, drinks at Emerald Hill, and buffet lunch at RajahInn. Man, no wonder I gained so much weight. Ah yes, I should put the gaining-weight thing in one of the point, but it’s making me embarrassed.

Ah, and there you go, pukes of updates.

Keeping the faith

I was listening to Carrie Underwood’s “So Small” the other day and the chorus goes something like this.

‘Cause sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

I couldn’t help but noticing the truth in the lyrics. It’s not about love, per se, but everything else in general.

I didn’t say I have led such a hard life, because I haven’t; I’ve got loads to be very grateful about. At the same time, to say that my life is just filled with butterflies and rainbows isn’t exactly accurate either. I learned some things the hard ways too.

When my mom was sick, I couldn’t see anything past it. I thought we’ve reached rock bottom. It was unthinkable, too surreal, something we never thought possible.

But, life goes on and even though it has been hard, we’ve pulled through. And what? It’s easy from then on? Not at all. Thinking we’ve been through the worst doesn’t mean it’s true, because things evolve, circumstances change. But I’d like to think that perhaps I’ve gotten a bit stronger and wiser since, maybe I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuffs, because I know now what’s important and what’s not.

Life may not get easier, but there is such thing as perspectives.

Some things are just too important. Like, education and career. I do take it seriously, and I intend to keep trying to get a job although it’s really hard at the moment. Family is another thing; I realized how incredibly lucky I am to have such strong bond and relationships with my dad and sisters. I do butthead with my sister a lot, and she may irritate me with her protectiveness at times, but you know what, those are insignificant, because she’s the only one who has supported, motivated, and got my back all these years.

And here’s another revolution. Some other things are just not worth fussing about. Like, people who are never there for you, who obviously don’t care anymore. I was okay doing the ‘giving’ role everytime, I was okay being the only person who takes initiative, who still shows care and respect. But it’s a waste of time and energy when they never make any efforts. Why bother? It’s not worth it, there are other things to worry about, believe me. Sometimes you just know when to let go.

I mean, no need to get hard feelings. Afterall, things change, just look at it that way.

Anyway, when you think about it, people are a lot stronger than they give themselves credit for. We will never know our capabilities ’til we are stretched to our limits. Even then, what’s our ‘limit’? In the end, things are never as hard as they seem.

I know I’m struggling right now, and it’s the only thing I’m focusing on. I do have faith though, that things will work out eventually. And when they do, I’m sure they wouldn’t look so scary anymore. The trick is just to get through it. Then you can go ahead and face the next challenge. Ha!

If a country song could trigger this much thoughts, I wonder what happens if I listen to Oprah everyday.

The case of missing breakfast

Last week a couple friends and I went out to blow off some steam by dancing the night away. It was a typical fun ladies night, but the night ended in a pretty eventful note.

Around 4 am, the three of us walked back to the house since it was located conveniently within walking distance from the club. We were sober as nuns, carrying our shoes while breathing in the cool night air.

We decided to order two breakfast sets from McD, so my friend A made the call. We got to the house, changed into comfortable baggy shirts and another friend B and I fell straight to sleep, rather unintentionally before the food even arrived. A still took a shower, and in between my sleep, I think I heard A’s phone ring and her saying, “McD’s here!” But, I drifted back to sleep after blissfully thinking deliberately to just savour the big breakfast in the morning. Too much effort to move my eyelids.

10am, I woke up, turned to A and asked, “Hey, did you eat your food last night?”

She murmured, “I don’t know…”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” I chuckled, thinking that she must still be asleep. B and I scrambled out of bed and looked outside in the dining table for our beloved McD. We found nothing. We got back to the room, searched everywhere, but still saw no sign of food.

At this point, B even looked at the trash, just in case, A ate both meals last night. The chances were pretty slim, but even slimmer that the McD food could evaporate into thin air.

I desperately pictured my non-existent hash brown and scrambled eggs. Damn, I was starving.

A was still in bed when we asked her again, “where did you put the food, babe?”

She looked at us, confused, “I don’t know.”

“The McD food that came last night. Where did you put it?” I repeated, emphasizing on the every word.

“I don’t remember..”

This explanation didn’t do it for me. What’s weird is that there was one regular Milo by the bedside table, so the delivery guy really did come. But the big elephant in the room, where’s Waldo? Where’s the food?!

We kept persisting A to try to remember what happened last night, but she offered no answer, she didn’t even seem disturbed by the fact that a huge chunk of her memory seemed to go missing, while B and I were totally freaked out.

The thing is, A wasn’t drunk, she still even showered when we got home, it simply didn’t make any sense. She admitted not remembering taking the food, eating the food, or putting the food anywhere.

But the Milo just sat there, mocking us. The half empty Milo, I might add.

In the end, we couldn’t find the food anywhere, and we reluctantly closed the case, what else were we supposed to do? But, I’m still beyond curious. As anyone would be. Heck. Things don’t just go missing, especially McD food, unless it’s been eaten, duh. But there was no way someone could eat TWO breakfast meals at 5am without remembering any of it.

Right? Right?

Dealing with it

Okay, it’s time to get my juices flowing again. Ew, not that kind of juice. Ew, ew, ew. Way to go to start a post, girl. Yeah, I know it has been a long time, oh, that’s an understatement. It’s probably the longest I’ve been without writing. But see, being creative is a tad difficult thing to do when you’re feeling stressed out. And if there’s one word to summarize my state of mind for the past month or so, it’s completely stressed out. Yeah. Wait, that’s three words. Sorry.

It’s no surprise that things aren’t going exactly as well as I had hoped for.

I feel like I have so many things to share. Normally writing about it would make me feel better, but lately I feared I would just reinforce, and even agreeing to all the things that I’m worried about by reading it in words. It would just get me worried even more, and I want to stall it for as long as I could. Hence, why I’ve been keeping quiet. I thought I could. Stall it, I mean.

But, I realize that it really doesn’t matter. The problem will still be there whether you worry about it or not. Maybe it’s better to worry about it, at least you feel it, and in effect, you do something about it. I didn’t want to write that I am having a difficult time, because it would mean admitting it. Maybe I was embarrassed. Or maybe I just didn’t wanna deal.

This ends now.