Barely Here

I guess this is as good time as any to give you a short update on what I’ve been doing recently. It can be summarized in one word: work.

Meh. Where has my youth passed? Well, seriously. I know I’ve had my crazy partying days, but that doesn’t mean my time is up and I am no longer allowed a break, does it? Ah I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being a whiner like I always am. Work has its ups. Normally this would happen during the start of every month. (read: payday) Ha!

I hardly have time to meet my friends. Thank goodness I have great colleagues whom I can call friends too. But I miss my regular friends. I miss Wazzy whom I haven’t seen in forever. I miss Fairuz and Hong and Arnold and Steffy. I miss Manly and Elsa, and the list could go on and on. I really think I need to catch up with them to keep myself sane. If you’re reading this, YES! I need to catch up with YOU too! I’m sorry for being a lame-ass.

This month is going to be hectic. We’re selling mooncake for the first time, so the management has high expectation. So, come support us if you’re interested in trying out our mooncake. (Read: Buy one from me, or else we’re no longer friends!) Haha.

(By the end of this post, I will no longer have friends.)

I don’t know what else I can write here except for work-stuffs. And as you know, I’m not too comfortable talking about work. So let’s change the subject, shall we?

(Awkward silence)

Alright. Seems that I don’t have an interesting thing to say. Gosh. I am so freaking out about work. Okay, shut up, woman! I guess I should try being ‘creative’ another day. This blog is seriously getting super lame and boring. My creative juice has stopped flowing.

Guys, have faith in me, please. ;))

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..Must Come to an End.

You’re off the hook. I’ve never really put much faith in all that “if you love someone, set them free” crap, as evidenced by everything I’ve done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always– I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man’s friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get.

Actually, um, hold on. I’m not done yet. Because I also want for you to be happy. It’s really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I’m with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that’s been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you’re off the hook.

You know, for the record, I– I don’t want to be let off the hook. Because everything in my life that I’ve done has led me here… right now, and the last thing I want, need, or deserve is to be let off somebody’s hook.

I love you. You know that. And it’s very real. It’s so real that it’s kept me moving, mostly running from it, never ready for it. I can’t be let off the hook because I might just get the notion that it’s ok to keep running.

From the heart.

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I haven’t dreamed about her for a while and it took me by surprise that she appeared in it yesterday.

It felt so real and the whole dream must have lasted for long because, I don’t know. It just wasn’t something you forgot straight away when you woke up. Now it’s all kinda blurry to me but I could have sworn I could narrate it to you vividly this morning.

She looked happy and healthy, as if she has never been anywhere. For some reason we knew she has been away, so I felt really, really happy that she was suddenly back in my life. I think I couldn’t stop hugging her. But she didn’t remember about what happened. At one point, I even asked her, “Mom, what date is it today?” and she replied, saying it was sometime in May 2008.

“Mom! It’s 2010 now already!” I think I remember myself laughing to her response. She looked a little confused, but it didn’t really matter. I thought she could stay now, and I was really happy. It was like, the past two or so years have never happened. It was just a bad dream, but now everything is okay.

The moment I woke up, I stayed there lying in bed and I was just overwhelmed by sadness, confusion, longing, all these feelings mixed together. I dragged myself out of bed for work but my mind wasn’t in the right place all morning. I don’t know what the dream was trying to tell me, but it was simply too cruel.

The dream just reminds me of what I’ve lost, of something I would never get back.

I really, really miss you, Mom. Will you please be in my dream again tonight?

I was once asked, “If she suddenly appeared before your eyes, wouldn’t you be scared?” I don’t know. Somehow I don’t think I would. Because it’s her, and I know she won’t hurt me or scare me away.

My friend told me that this is the 7th lunar month period and in Chinese belief, it’s said that this would be the time where our relatives who have passed away would visit us because the gate supposedly is open now between our world and their world. I’m not religious, and I’m even more out of touch with my Chinese root, that I previously didn’t even know what 7th lunar month was, or what the tradition was during Chinese New Year.

Who knows? I just know I miss you. We all do.

Something that rhymes with schmranting.

What is up with my internet, ey! Speaking of internet, it’s funny that last Friday the internet in our office died for a few hours, and it left all crippled! I mean, we couldn’t do much of anything without internet. The interesting thing is that last week I was out with a friend of mine wearing a t-shirt with the words “technology ruins romance.”

Which is essentially true, you see. These days when you meet someone you like, you stalk ’em on facebook. Which is unromantic, right? Long gone were the days when guys actually worked hard to find out things about girls. Now, everything is out in the open. Chey. Anyway, sorry for getting sidetracked here. Yeah, so while the internet was dead, I randomly thought about how technology doesn’t only ruin romance, it also kills our efficiency in working! Well, sort of. I just realized that a few hours of work without internet almost equals to no work at all! It’s a little extreme, huh?

So. Anyway. Just wanna give an update! I’ve been a lazy bum these days when it comes to writing on this blog. Work has been crazy! I’m a little freaked out by the amount of work I need to do. I’m not good in multitasking. You know what I really need? A game plan. Yeah, exactly. I need to work out a proper time line and to-do list and work based on that. I’m an organized freak that way.

However, I’m gonna try to stay positive and not let it get to me too much. Too much, okay! And I’m looking forward to next week! Have lots of things planned out to keep me sane! It’s gonna be a fun week. Just wish I’ll survive work!

My dad has gone back home, and it’s crazy because he’s now intending to sell our apartment! He’s kicking us out! Which means, we gotta look for a new place. Well, yeah it won’t be in such a near future, but my sisters have gone apartment-hunting this afternoon at a condo in the east side. I’m a westener by heart though, so hopefully we can still get a place somewhere in the west, if not central! Hmm. Will see about that.

Well. This has been a total waste of post. Haha! My brain is not operating on Sundays! Sunday night, especially.

Ghostly experience?

Oh my god! So, I’m gonna share something a little creepy here. I was probably half hallucinating, half dreaming last night when it happened. I was in a lethargic state as I was so tired from the long weekend.

So I was in bed, and I kept tossing and turning for some reason. Although my body was tired, my brain couldn’t shut down. I think some moment might have passed before I realized something. So my bed side was near the window, and at that point I was lying sideways facing the window. Do you know how you can still see something even though your eyes are closed?

I don’t know, suddenly I just felt and saw a hectic movement of hand gestures as if someone was waving frantically at me. It’s as if I saw it right in front of me without actually seeing it. It came from the window and it became unbearable not to notice because like I said, you can just feel it.

But as it happened, I realized that it couldn’t be possible because I was in bed and there’s no way someone was waving at me from outside the window! Before anything could register into my mind, impulsively I opened my eyes even though if I were smart enough, I should have just kept my eyes shut because who knows what I might find staring back at me?! OMG!

For that split second that I opened my eyes, I could have sworn I saw a hand throughout the window! Like it wanted to shake me and my whole body just jerked in fear! During that few seconds I was really, really afraid and I was convinced I just had my first encounter with ghost!

I turned my body to the other side so I wouldn’t be facing the window anymore and lied there for a few seconds in cold sweat, shutting my eyes hard and reassuring myself it was just my imagination, dream, or both. Weirdly enough, after those few seconds of pure fear and shock, I was calm afterwards. I mean, you would think that I would have run away so fast and went to my dad’s room like a little baby! But I just simply moved to the other way and continued laying there!

After another moment, nothing happened and I just kept my eyes shut! All the while I kept thinking, what the fuck just happened?! It felt surprisingly real! Yet everything was just so surreal!

Somehow though I managed to fall back to sleep and now it just felt like it was a strange dream. But it wasn’t. I could still remember the deep shit fear I was feeling as I felt those hands waving in front of my face and that hand reaching out from the window!

What the f*** lah?!! That was really, really, really, really creepy, alright?!!

Serenity

You make my feet light
When my heart weighs as stone
Bring sheerest delight
When I’m dark and alone.

And though I am not
What I long so to be
You hold my face high
And you bring me to see.

That beauty is kindness
And peace is in reach
For my constant unrest
You send calming heartbeats.

So take now my sorrow
This lackluster gaze
And make me more like You.

by Shawna.