No turning back.

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back.

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Past few weeks…

Hey there!

I haven’t been writing much but things are colossally busy these past few weeks! Work has just been a major drag (eh I mean, joy! *looks around suspiciously*) that some days just passed by like a blur and I had no time to do anything else.

I know that sounds just like an excuse, but it’s not! Really, really!

Anyway, just some highlights worth mentioning (to look back when I’m 40 years old in my rocking chair – wait, I don’t think 40 year-olds are supposed to be in a rocking chair yet! But what to do, I’m a lazy bum that way. My ambition in life? To retire early so I have all the time in the world to go traveling.)

My friend (bless you, Jonny boy in case you’re reading) has always mocked me for being a spoilt brat. He uses the term ‘Miss Reilly’ (bless you and your ridiculous yet adorable Irish phrases! I’d take Miss Reilly to Miss Spoilt Brat all day.) He has this impression that I can just bat my eyelids and get whatever I want. Sigh, if only life is that simple. I would invest heavily on my eyelashes. The only person that would fall for that trick is probably just my Dad. (Hello, Dad! I love you! Can I move in to your new apartment for free? *bats eyelashes*)

The reason why I’m saying this is because in my grand plan of retiring early and traveling the world, I missed out one tiny, little fact. That money just doesn’t grow on trees. Which explains why I’m slaving my days away. It’s an investment, see. Towards early retirement.

So yeah. Back to the highlights. Over the past few weeks I…

Went to Port Dickson with a dear friend. It was so beautiful there, and I’ve never felt so close to the sea before! (Well, actually, I have, but you can’t compare it to Italy! It’s unfair!) It was pretty sweet though, I give you that. Our room was directly viewing the sea and we even had an open window and a balcony overlooking the water. Aside from the room being huge with a capital h, the bathroom has a Jacuzzi and the shower was open in the middle of the space! It’s not like I felt like a porn star every time I took a shower, but how often do we get to like, bathe in an open space that big? Can’t help but making silly poses as I was scrubbing my body with soap. Psst.

Watched Westlife in concert! Shweet, shweet. Thanks to dearie who managed to get us tickets, we watched the concert for free! I’ve been an avid fan since my awkward early teen days and it was so much fun seeing them live. They sounded great live too! I’ve always had a major crush on Mark (cmon, that deep voice, serious, intense look, who doesn’t? So what if he swings the other way?) but after that concert, I have an equally major crush on Shane. His voice was amazing, those lads really seemed like fun, genuine guys in real life. Awesome experience.

Watched ridiculous amounts of movies. Well, this is pretty much a given. Being a major movie geek, I watch movies probably more than average, but it used to be that I dragged my sisters or had to arrange for dates with friends to see a movie (because I just don’t like seeing movie alone. (I tried, I blogged about it, it was sad. The day I watched a movie alone is a sad, sad day.) But now, thank goodness for dearie (bless his handsome, sweet face) that he’s ‘obligated’ to watch all these movies with me (romantic comedies included). Mwahaha. Hey, I’m sure he enjoys it too. Right? Right? Right? (I’m gonna ask the next time I see him just to be completely sure.)

Got tickets to see Wicked! This is probably something that runs in the family (or at least, just between me and my sisters), but we love music and films and combine them both? Sold! It’s a pity that the only live musicals I have ever watched were probably some Disney on Ices and Cinderella Musical. I saw Les Miserables concert on DVD and it’s really one musical I *must* see if I ever have the chance to. I’m not quite familiar with Wicked or Wizard of Oz for that matter, but this looks really good so we got the tickets to watch the show in December and I’m excited!

Have been going out with dearie for four months. I know it sounds so short in words. I even cringed as I wrote it. Four. Four. Just four months. Only one hundred and twenty days? Okay, okay, I’m going to stop being dramatic. (Drama queen Miss Reilly is talking). But really? Four months? I go in to Ion Orchard and come out from there in four months. I tried on clothes and go shopping in four months. I spend four months waiting when friends come late on our meetups. You don’t feel this way after dating for just four months! But as cheesy as it sounds, I do. (Please shoot me.) So really, I’m grateful any day even when we have just been going out for four months and it’s equivalent to the amount of time I (the vain me) spend getting ready for dates.

Bought a new laptop and vowed to eat grass for the next month. No explanation needed.

I’m officially broke. Enough said.

Fear.

I have a problem.

I know I’m not the easiest person in the whole world, but I never thought that I may be the most complicated either. I have a friend who is so laid-back I don’t think he ever gets mad, ever. Of course he does, but it seems like he rarely lets things get to him, and I always ask him how. He just shrugs and looks at me that gets me thinking that maybe that kinda thing comes hereditary.

The thing is. It’s almost as if I have a fighting mechanism against happiness. The moment things start to go well.. I start getting rashes and I would screw everything up. Yet, I crave nothing more than just being happy.

I’m not even talking about the kind of epiphany or dramatic happiness. It doesn’t have to be the kind of joy that makes me want to dance around the house, or makes me feel like I just won the lottery.

It’s the day-to-day happiness that makes you smile as you wake up in the morning, and as you go to bed at night. It doesn’t have to be a looney grin either. Just a content one will do. I want to count my blessings and realize how much I have going on to be grateful.

But instead, I’m focused on the bad and negative things. Of course life isn’t perfect. But why do I let those imperfect things that I can’t control, affect how I feel about everything else I have? Why can’t I pull myself away from these negative, destructive thoughts which do no good than just burying myself even deeper into the big black pitch that is this negativity?

It doesn’t happen all the time, but it comes in waves, sometimes in the least unexpected times, catching me off guard. It’s really affecting me that I start exaggerating the situation, making myself feel even worse without reason.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Why I’m being the way I am. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before. At least, not this intensely that I can feel it creeping at me at nights.

I feel like, I’m valuing something too much that I’m becoming too afraid of it being taken away from me. I’m scared because now I can’t imagine how I’m going to be without it.

But so what? Do I value it too much more than I value myself? To let myself be consumed of these thoughts? Why can’t I just be…happy?

Why is it hard for me to believe that maybe, I have everything I ever wanted? Why is it almost impossible for me to think that maybe this time, things work out? Why do I have to look for troubles and be negative when I can be happy?

Maybe the key is to love myself first and foremost. Maybe I need to put more faith in people. That there are some people out there worth trusting. That there are people who will not hurt you on purpose.

I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. Changing my attitude and releasing myself off negative thoughts. But I feel helpless. I haven’t been much of a religious person in the past four years but now I feel like I need it more than ever. To ask for help and support from something that is beyond my own being. Because I know what I’m feeling will not just affect me, but eventually others too, and it’s the least thing I want to do.

I don’t know when to start. But all I know is that I’m pretty much broken. I’m full of layers and layers of irrational thoughts and I know I have to peel them away yet I’m still figuring out how.

I need help because I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break because I can’t handle it anymore. I need help for the sake of the people around me, and most importantly, for me. Because there should be no one else I’d value more than myself.